Names on the Wall
by DrTaylor
Summary: Just some tragic sap that called out to me yesterday. Like most DS9 stuff, it's kind of heavy.
1. Chapter 1

**This is not my character. None of them are. I am not a Founder, Vorta, or Jem'Hadar. Don't kill me.**

He finds the wall on level 35 of the station the first week he is there. A service corridor, with no functional or useful systems in it, nowhere anyone will ever go.

It is unremarkable, bare, and empty. Like his soul was, just last week. And there, using a laser welder, he carves the first name.

_Jennifer Sisko._

It is nothing, just a scratch on the wall, and when he has carved it he can walk away and leave her behind.

* * *

The day he returns from the Nol-Ennis camp, he walks to the wall again. The emptiness he sees there is blinding – Jennifer is alone. And so he carves another name beside her: 

_Opaka_.

* * *

Although he doesn't like having to do it, Mullibok is sent back to Bajor. It's not fair, it's not right, he hates these choices and he hates to have to make them. He walks the station late at night, and finds himself standing in front of that wall. And even though he knows that Mullibok is alive, and that he is safe, he grieves for him all the same. And so another name joins the first two. 

_Mullibok._

* * *

Amin Marritza dies on the Promenade, and he wonders what the price must now be for peace. Deep down, he knows that it wouldn't have been as easy as one might hope – even if Marritza had survived the attack, even if he hadn't been attacked at all. But it would have been a start, and as he writes Marritza's name on the wall he wonders if he should just write "peace" on there as well. 

_Amin Marritza_.

* * *

Capturing Neela broke his heart – he liked her, he knew O'Brien liked her, and he blames Vedek Winn. Not being able to do anything about it doesn't mean that Winn hasn't brainwashed that girl, doesn't mean that she won't be sent to a Bajoran prison, doesn't mean that anything good will come from her capture other than Bariel's life and his friendship with Kira. 

What he mourns tonight is the death of Neela's innocence, and that can never be restored. So he feels no qualms about adding her name.

_Neela_.

* * *

He pities Li Nalas his situation. It's not fair, it shouldn't be like this. Nalas should be able to live his life – and so should he. He is trapped by the same web as Nalas, and even though he doesn't really feel it yet, he knows that someday being the Emissary will catch up to him. 

As he watches Li die, he wonders what will become of him? Will he be shot in OPS like Li? Or will he maybe be blown up? Will it be quick or slow? Painful?

Adding Li's name, he almost feels like he is adding his own.

_Li Nalas_.

* * *

Sending Rugal back to Cardassia is one of the worst decisions he has ever made. There is no right, there is no fairness, and Rugal deserves better. 

He wants to scream, lash out, rip Rugal away from all of it. He wants to grieve for the boy's loss, and he wants to curse Dukat for his heartlessness that created this mess. But he can't – he just has to hope that Rugal will grow to understand what he has been given... whatever that is.

_Rugal_.

* * *

It's his fault, and he knows it. He never should have fallen for Fenna, he never should have let himself be attracted to her, he should have known... 

He shouldn't have let Seyetik die. When he gets to his wall, he realizes that he doesn't know who to add: Seyetik or Fenna. And so he puts them both.

_Professor Seyetik.  
Fenna._

* * *

Any parent will grieve for the loss of another parent's child. 

_Tumak._

* * *

He knows that something is very wrong in the Gamma Quadrant, but no one can quite sort out what. All the exploration, the work, and they just have questions. But it's nothing compared to what's wrong in the Alpha Quadrant, where he has Cal Hudson running a band of vigilantes in the Demilitarized Zone. 

He just wants his friend to come home. He knows he will never see that friend again.

_Cal Hudson_.

* * *

Everything's going to hell, and he knows it. Eris has escaped, they want him to come back to Earth to brief everyone on the Dominion, and he has no clue how they're going to get out of this. The Dominion, the whispers he's been hearing... now he knows. Something is very wrong in the Gamma Quadrant. And now he's in the middle of it. 

Everything's going to hell on Bajor too. He knows it. Kai Winn.

The night before they leave for Earth he stands in front of his wall, and for the first time he adds a whole ship.

_Odyssey._

* * *

How the last few weeks can be allowed is unknown to him, but he refuses to give up. There is still worse it can get, and he plans to see it through. Odo's discovery of his people, the fight in the Gamma Quadrant, Dax's missing host...Quark running a Klingon house... 

He wants to pour all of his frustration, his anger, and his fear on the wall, but he has come here for a purpose and he cannot let himself be distracted. The time for distraction is over.

_Joran_.

* * *

When he negotiates with Dukat, he feels that he's selling his soul every time. And this time he's sending another human into hell in his place. 

_Tom Riker_.

* * *

He blames himself for altering history, and then he wonders if history would have played out the same if he had left it alone. 

_Gabriel Bell._

* * *

As the treatments fail one at a time, he watches as Vedek Bariel dies inch by inch until he's gone. He sees Kira's grief and loneliness, and he watches as the peace treaty with Cardassia is signed. He hopes that peace was worth the price. 

_Bariel_.

* * *

Prophecies play out in real life, and he is forced to accept that he may really be the Emissary. It's one thing for people to think that he is, and another for him to really be. Maybe he's not Li Nalas at all. This musing is cast to the side as the Cardassians and Romulans attack the Founders. When it's all over, and everyone is where they should be, he wonders if maybe he should try next. 

After all, Enabran Tain was willing to give his life for this. He doesn't really fancy letting the head of the Obsidian Order have a place on his wall, but this time he's willing to make an exception.

_Enabran Tain_.

* * *

Kai Winn spins circles within circles until the whole universe is dizzy, and he wishes he had his friend Curzon here to fix it. After all, the man negotiated with Klingons. He would have no trouble fixing Bajor. It's worse when they are reunited for a few minutes – he wishes Curzon could just stick around and solve this as brilliantly as he solved everything else. 

The night Curzon leaves him again he goes to the wall and writes his old friend's name.

_Curzon Dax._

* * *

The alliance with the Klingons that has stood for eighty years crumbles, but it is the vision of his son as an old man that he really came here to deal with. He wonders how Jake will compare to that man, and if he will ever see enough of Jake to know the answer. 

It is with a heavy heart that he carves the name into the wall tonight, hoping Jake will never become that old man.

_Jacob Sisko_.

* * *

The encounter with Akorem cements it – he cannot get out of being the Emissary. He wants to put his own name on the wall that night, since his life is no longer his own, but he settles for the name of the man who should have been Emissary if Ben Sisko had had anything to say about it. 

_Akorem._

* * *

The mirror image of his wife dies, and he doesn't want to put her on the wall again. But he does, because he can. 

_Jennifer Sisko._

* * *

Again, it's on him. His fault that Muniz is dead. He should have known, he should have saved Muniz, and he didn't, because he couldn't just trust the Vorta. 

Never mind that one should never trust the Vorta.

He remembers watching Muniz weaken, and he knows he can never watch that again. If he had it to do over again, he would make the deal. If it happens again, he will make the deal.

_Joe Muniz_.

* * *

The Dominion invades, as he knew they would. But on a distant planet in the Gamma Quadrant, he could have lived without it. No war, no pain. He could have lived and died and it could have been someone else's problem. 

He would have let it, too. He would have given up everything he had to give those people life, but that choice was taken from him.

And so he carves the name on the wall for the two hundred people who never existed.

_Gaia_.

* * *

Michael Eddington was right after all. The Cardassians are not to be trusted. He wonders if they could have been trusted if there had been no Maquis. 

Whatever the answer to that question, it is the first time he has added anyone that he has tried to kill to his wall.

_Michael Eddington._

* * *

He has places to be, but he knows he may not stand here again. The mines are going up soon, and that will be the end of it. The war will begin. 

He's known it was coming for a long time now.

If Bajor had joined the Federation, it would be destroyed. Now it will be safe.

He wants to carve a name, but he doesn't have one, so instead he puts out a hand and rests it on Jennifer's name for a moment, and he knows he will stand here again.

"I will be back," he says.


	2. Chapter 2

He is glad to be home.

His quarters are just how he left them (thank you, Odo) and his baseball is in his hand. He walks the station, looking for changes, but he really heads down to the 35th level first, for some unfinished business.

There are two names to add tonight, and he wishes there were none. Thirty ships whose names he does not know were destroyed in the battle, thousands of lives lost, and he can't go back and fix that. But he knows it was worth it, because they've won, and now he is home.

This is a major loss to the Dominion.

_Dukat._

_Tora Ziyal._

He doesn't spend time in Quark's all that often, but he has spent enough time there that he does know Morn. He knows all about Morn's businesses, his sixteen brothers and sisters, his long-winded humorless jokes...

Everyone knows about the jokes.

_Morn._

Of course, it is the next week before he realizes that since Morn turned out to be alive and well after all, he might as well just erase the name, so he buffs it off the wall that night before he goes to bed.

He never wanted Vreenak to die.

He cannot allow the Dominion to win the war.

So while he regrets Vreenak's death, he rejoices as he adds his name – because the Romulans have joined the war.

_Vreenak_.

He would have allowed the battle, had it not been for Kai Winn's interference.

Gods, he hates that woman.

Jake understands, and he knows it, but still feels that it was some very bad parenting to allow Jake to be the pah-wraith's chosen one. They did it to hurt him, he is sure. To strike a blow at the Emissary. And Jake would have fought them while they were fighting the prophets, and the prophets would have won, and they would have protected Jake. He knows this.

Where he got this faith, he does not know, but it is there. And he knows that Kira was right. The prophets don't know what's going to happen next, because their plan is foiled. Bajor is in for a rough time, and all bets – and prophecies – are off.

_Bajor_.

What's hard to accept is that he never figured out that Lisa was living three years in the past. He never realized that she knew nothing about the war, nothing about any of the things that had happened in the last three years.

They avoided the subject, he supposes. It was all bad news anyway. And she died in the company of friends, about to be rescued – or so she thought. Maybe it's not as bad as it could have been.

_Lisa Cusak_

It's hard to choose between what his life is by choice and what his life is by fate. He should have stayed behind, and he knows it.

This is his fault.

He can see her on the biobed every times he shuts his eyes now, dying. Losing Curzon was hard. Losing Jadzia is impossible. A tear leaks onto the ground – he didn't realize he was crying.

_Jadzia._

When he gets back to the station from Tyree, he is happy. Even though memories of Jadzia surround him, he is happy. Maybe it's having Ezri with him here, or maybe it's just being home again, he's not sure, but this is a good place to be now, and a good time.

He wonders idly if it would be like this if the Prophets had not interfered, but he doesn't really care, because it is like this. So he leaves his mark on the wall again and returns to his life.

_Sarah._

AR-558 was overlooked from the beginning and he knew it. He never should have stayed there. He had to stay there. Jake's best friend lost his leg. People were dying left and right, and still he stayed for no reason.

_Nadia Larkin_.

_Kellin._

_Nog._

He almost went down with his ship, but the Defiant was not his ship – the station is, or maybe Bajor is, or maybe the whole war is. So here he stands, making another entry.

_Defiant._

It's over.

The losses were huge, but it is over, and he is glad, because now he can rest. He can be with Kassidy, he can watch their baby grow. He can pay the price for his faliures and he can revel in his successes and he won't have the lives of billions on his hands anymore.

He will build the house on Bajor, and maybe he will never have to see this wall again.

Odo's sacrifice... it doesn't have to be forever. He can come back and visit. There can be openness between the Founders and the Federation now. But he knows that Odo means for it to be forever. He will miss O'Brien, he will miss Worf, and he will miss the way things were, but all in all, this is a good. It's time to move on. The war is over now.

_Damar._

_Cardassia._

_Odo._

He heads home to his quarters to dress for the going away party.


	3. Epilogue

Alone.

After all these years – ten of them – he knows something about losing a parent. He knew his father would never outlive him. He knows his dad tried to prepare him for the day that he knew might come.

But he never expected this.

He is only twenty years old, and he will never see his father again. He knows that. There is no body, his father is not dead, but still he knows that this is the end. Other things have taken his dad away, and he will never get him back.

Level 35 is a good place to be alone.

He can't stop moving, hasn't been able to since that night, pacing around until Kas and Nog both got sick of it. He can't help it. He has to move, has to think, has to decide what the hell he's going to do. So he heads down, where no one ever wants to go, to Level 35, and he walks there, and that's when he sees the wall.

His mother's name is in the top right, and he knows it was written there by his father. It is a list of loss, a silent memorial to everything bad that happened in the last seven years. Jake has stumbled on his father's own private dumping ground, and he is truly grateful.

There was no funeral. If you're not dead, you don't get one. Everyone else is content to wait, but Jake knows his dad won't be back.

He remembers a conversation from a few years ago, after a very strange trip on the _Defiant_.

"Jake," his father said, "if I ever have to leave you, let me go. Get on with your life and don't look back."

He had laughed it off at the time. What could happen to his dad? He knew his dad wasn't talking about death – they had talked about that – but something else, something Jake couldn't imagine. Only now he can imagine it all too well. He is living it.

The section of wall is nearly covered in seven years' worth of names. Jake sees his own, wonders why it is there, and then shrugs it off. Who knew, in the end, what his dad knew?

There is an empty spot near the middle of the wall, and Jake doesn't even notice when he takes the laser from the tool locker and aims it.

_Benjamin Lafayette Sisko._


End file.
